Scariest time of Momma's Life

We have had quite scary last few days, Momma's Fin. The last few days have validated just how much you mean to our family. We have been praying so much for you as you have been one sick little boy.

Wednesday 1/2/08: Daddy commented this afternoon that you sure were complaining when you were moved. When you'd move or we'd move you, you'd cry out - almost in pain. This night Grandma Jo and Grandpa Dave were on their way to Oregon to see you for the first time. While I was holding you, I noticed you were breathing rather funny. Daddy and Grandma Jo convinced me that you were ok, perhaps just getting grumpy in your old age. I said if you were not better we'd move your Weight Check doctor appointment from Friday to tomorrow. I woke up at 3am and daddy was taking care of you, and said you weren't eating and only crying. I slept with you on my chest the rest of the night.

Thursday 1/3/08: Dr Herbert said she'd see you at 11:00am. We got there at 10:30. The nurse brought you back and you weighed 7lb 15oz. You were running a slight fever and I asked her to check your oxygen saturation. She did and it was 82% - I started crying immediately as I knew 82% wasn't good. Immediately Dr Herbert was in the room and was arranging ambulance transportation to the NICU. When she realized there was a hold on the ambulance she asked us to take him over there immediately and she cancelled her patients for the morning and met us there. The next few hours were almost unbearable as they tried 3 times to get a spinal tap, drew many labs, took many swabs of uncomfortable parts of your body, started IVs, started medications, took XRays - all while you were crying. It was very, very sad to watch. Many people came to support you as you went through this. You were on oxygen but doing well. So far the tests had all come back negative and you seemed to be doing "ok" in the scheme of things. Daddy and I went home to get some rest (I am still recovering from surgery and had no medication in 10hrs). Dr Herbert said she wanted to transfer you to just the regular pediatric floor, but if we were leaving she'd keep you on the NICU floor to be monitored closer and we'd transfer in the morning. Maysen stayed home with Grandpa Dave and Grandma.

Friday 1/4/08: Daddy and I expected you to be transfered. When we got to the hospital, the nurse explained that earlier that morning you had a 45 second period where you stopped breathing. You regained yourself on your own, but becuase of this, you weren't being transfered. That scared me to death! She said you had just eaten and were doing ok. It was about 9:30am. I was holding you when I noticed that you arched your back, turned your head, and while holding my hand were rhytmically hitting my chest with your hand. I immediately knew this was seizure activity. I asked the nurse to watch and by then it was somewhat over and she sort of blew it off. 5min later you were seizing again, and she saw it this time, too. The neonatoligist (Mike) was on the floor and he wasn't sure it was true seizures or myclonic contractions due to prematurity. Before treating you with a medication, he wanted to make sure so he ordered an EEG to watch your brain activity. As we waited for the machine to come up, your seizures only got worse. Luckily you were breathing through them but I can tell you it was the hardest thing mommy has *ever* had to do - sit and watch you seize in my arms. I felt so hopeless, weak, and vulnerable. Somehow, I got through it. 5 hours later, they got the machine up there and you hooked up to 21 probes on your head. Grandma Jo and Grandpa Dave were there while you were seizing and convinced me to take a break while Daddy stayed. When I got back from lunch daddy was crying and very scared. He said while I was gone you had a very bad seizure and you stopped breathing for over a minute, turned blue, and your oxygen had dropped to a very critical level. Daddy talked to you the whole time holding your hand saying "Ok, Trooper, you'll get through this" never leaving your side. The respiratory team had to come in and recesitate you, but they had caught it on the machine and you were now being given Phenobarbital to help with the seizures. Within the 1st dose you were much better, but had a mild seizure. So they gave you a 2nd dose. This helped greatly, but the neurologist noted one more seizure so one last dose was given. You were completely seizure-free except for these small tremor-like seizures that were nothing of concern. Finally, in 2 days you were resting. They were concerned that you would be better off at OHSU in Portland, but after Dr Herbert talked to the pediatric neurologist up there, he assured he that all that they would have done up there was being done - and we decided to keep you here. Physically and emotionally worn out, Dr Herbert convinced me to go home as to not get sick. In the middle of this Hell Day, Daddy discovered he was running a fever, so wasn't around much after that. We went home and tried to sleep.

Today: You were a completely different kid. Yesterday you weren't eating, Tylenol had to be given rectally so you wouldn't aspirate because you weren't swallowing, you were so sedated you weren't responding to any touch. We got to the hospital and you were holding your own pacifier to your mouth. I asked if we could feed you and once we got the OK, you ate over half the bottle! You were holding mom's hand, you were pink, you were off oxygen, you oxygen was great on your own, no seizures (not even tremors) since yesterday, and your probes were all off your head. They took you to MRI and although we haven't gotten the definative report, the tech said it looked completely normal. Talk about a breath of fresh air!!!! I haven't cried so much in the last 2 days than I have these last 2 days. I am hoping that this is all just viral like they are thinking. You were born right in the middle of a viral epidemic in this family. It's hard not to blame ourselves on who was sick and what could we have done - because that is hard. We want nothing but to see you healthy and finally today it looks like you're getting better. I only pray that you will continue to get better.

God be with us ...